Depression and Show Prep

Yesterday I listened to a teleseminar by Cathy Savage’s nutritionist and trainer Jodi. It was about prepping for shows with disorders such as Celiac, PCOS, depression, etc. I’ve had some type of depression since I was 16 years old. It runs in my family, and when I’m not on meds, it’s very ugly. Tearful, tired all the time, insomnia, uninterested in pretty much everything. So as I said, I’ve been taking meds, and it’s never occurred to me that the meds can stop me from losing weight. As a side effect of the medication. Last night I learned this. It actually makes sense. Before I was ever even on meds, I weighed much less, about 10 pounds less than I do now. I did not eat clean. I ate Lean Cuisines for lunch and crackers with cheese and deli meat for dinner. I didn’t even have to think about losing weight… I was just at that weight. I worked out…I walked to work and took dance classes, but there has never been a time in my life when I haven’t worked out to some degree.

Of course, I am sure there are other factors, such as the fact that I am OLDER and therefore my metabolism is slower. My first medication, Remeron, helped me to sleep, so I felt better. But I weighed the most I ever had in my life on Remeron. I learned later that it’s usually given to elderly folks for depression of course but it also helps them GAIN WEIGHT. Once I got off of that and onto another medication, I dropped five pounds.

The teleseminar was really enlightening. I’ve told my friends and fiance time and again that it is really difficult for me to lose weight…this from someone who used to be 10 pounds lighter with no effort at all. And finally I have an answer!!! What I was thinking and feeling about my weight wasn’t all just in my head. It’s TRUE: It IS difficult for me to lose weight. And the reason: my medications, which, as Jodi said, just kind of suppress my entire system.

So her solution to the problem: (And no, it’s not, don’t take meds anymore, LOL) MORE CARDIO!!! Whoop-whoop! And to take a calcium-magnesium supplement in addition to my multivitamin. Apparently that combination is a natural fat burner (no "regular" fat burners for me). And B vitamins supplement as well to help my metabolism. Like I said…the best part of all of this is to find out that I wasn’t just being neurotic about my weight but that there is actually a reason. AND it goes to show that I have to be patient and not just say, "screw it," and give it up…which is what I’ve been doing (yikes!).

I wanted to write more about show prep on here, but this post is already getting long. But briefly: I chose a show. I am no longer doing double cardio. I am no longer following the Bombshell diet of eating the same thing every day at the same time (it doesn’t make sense, and if it doesn’t make sense, I’m less likely to do it). I am reconsidering going back to Cathy Savage. I LOVE the Bombshell training. Shannon is wonderful, but it’s not fitting into my life. I need more flexibility with the cardio and nutrition, even if it means I don’t come in looking as lean as I like.

LOVE the new trainer!

I am loving my new training program and diet! I am working every body part at least once per week, with abs and calves two or three times per week. This kind of training makes sense to me. I am spending more time in the gym. I’m not lifting more weight per rep, per se, but overall, my muscles are experiencing more time under tension. The training entails a lot of supersets, which I like because that means I am getting out the gym a little more quickly than I would otherwise. What’s interesting with the program is that I feel more of a burn while working out but am not necessarily sore the next day. That being said, today my back, glutes and chest are sore.

The diet isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s actually pretty yummy. No dairy, but that’s ok. I am taking calcium supplements. I do eat about 1.5 servings of fruit per day, but it’s spread out through the day. I also replaced some of the items. For example, the menu calls for asparagus, but I found that I just wasn’t eating it, so I switched it out wiht green beans. I know my coach would not approve, but like I said, I wasn’t eating the asparagus because I really don’t like it. It’s slimy when it’s cooked and when it’s raw, it’s too chewy. I also think the diet includes more starches. They are smaller servings, but again, more spread out through the day. I love that I am never hungry and wondering when my next meal will be. Food comes every two hours.

I also bought a suit on divaexchange. It was such a good deal that I couldn’t pass it up. I’ll post pics later when I get it.

The Way Things IS

I’m finding it more and more difficult living in Bartlesville. It’s just a place, I tell myself, but still I cannot shake the feeling that maybe I would feel differently if I were living in Tulsa or anyplace bigger than Bartlesville. The other day I had just left my supervision meeting. I was in Tulsa. The weather was not as muggy as it has been. The sun was shining. It was the start of the weekend. And I really wanted to go out to dinner with John, sit on a patio somewhere, eating and drinking a glass of white wine, maybe go for a walk down by the river as the sun was setting. Instead John was making his hour-long commute south from Coffeeville to Bartlesville while I was just starting my 45-minute long commute north from Tulsa to Bartlesville.

Would it really be different if we lived in Tulsa or do I simply lack the guts to “make it” in a place like Bartlesville. And for a town of 30,000, you would think there would be more to do. There is one movie theater, one bowling alley, one mini golf place. The restaurants are not so much restaurants as buffets and diners, which leave foodies like me no place to indulge. Sure, I like chicken fried steak and pizza and BBQ. But I also appreciate a good steak, excellent service, and good wine. All of which seem lacking in Bartlesville’s restaurants.

I asked myself that same question—if it would be different if we lived in Tulsa—as I was finishing my cardio yesterday at the gym. I had sprinted until my legs felt like Jello. I wanted the endorphins to pump hard enough to make me forget for a moment at least how unhappy I am here. But I left the gym pondering the significance of place on our happiness. Would it make a difference if I was able to go to a spinning class and be surrounded by a bunch of people rather than working out by myself in an empty gym? At least in a gym full of active men and women (not just the big burly dudes who hang out at my gym), there is an energy that is contagious. People are socializing. They may or may not be working hard, but there is a sense of purpose. An excitement.

And I am not sure that life would be different if we lived elsewhere. I’ve lived in cities before where there was a sense of possibility and purpose, and yet I still felt as though I was just on the perimeter with no way of entering in. At some point, you have to stop looking for the source—whether the problem is in you or the place or your partner—and just admit: You are unhappy. There is no blame. It just is.

Some things I like about OK

Just a reminder for me.

1. Chicken fried steak :-)
2. My job
3. Being with John
4. Our little house
5. How fast and heavy the rain comes down
6. The country is beautiful
7. Jared's ice cream!! The BOMB!
8. My first time living in a small town (even if I do detest the experience, ha!)
9. The slower lifestyle
10. Having all three kitties in one house!

It took me a little while to come up with this list. I've been struggling with living here, so I thought maybe I should focus on the positive. And 10 is all I could come up with. I don't know. Something needs to change. John and I are talking about joining a flag football or a frisbee team to meet some people, do something social and get out of the house. We'll see how things go.

New Trainer! Now Part of Team Bombshell!

I finally switched trainers!!! I am now with Team Bombshell, which is led by IFBB Pro Shannon Dey! I will be starting with her program this Monday. It took a while for me to come to terms that I needed to switch trainers. Cathy Savage has an amazing team, but I got tired of some things that were going on. The first was communication difficulties. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, as they say.

And maybe more importantly was my feeling that I wasn’t training enough to get the results I really wanted. Granted, I can be a little piggy which can set me back. So I decided to try someone new who offers a little more structure. There’s more volume with Shannon’s plans and she writes the meal plan. Cathy’s team does macros, which I think works great if you are disciplined, which I am not. So, we’ll see. Plus, Shannon’s a little better about getting right back to her clients. Now, don’t get me wrong. Cathy was a great start. It was a way to get my feet wet and see if I like training, but in the end, it’s not enough for me.

The only thing I don’t like about the new trainer is that … ironically, the lack of flexibility with the diet. I am used to eating certain things. Every morning I eat oatmeal with cottage cheese, protein powder and some fruit. No mas! Oh, and I can only do NPC. But, in the end that’s not really such a big deal. I think the reason I wanted to do Fitness America is that there are no requirements in fitness. With NPC, there are several mandatory fitness moves, two of whcih I can’t do. That just means that I’ll have to work that much harder.

Finding how to cope through total behavior

I know I haven't blogged in a long while. So here I am in Tulsa with my honey, my cats, a great job, and I am feeling frustrated, sad, and lonely. This has been ongoing pretty much since I moved here. Making friends is hard. Putting yourself out there is hard. Making a new life, new friends, new job, new community, new gym with so-so cardio machines, grocery stores that don't carry the items I like, the oppressive heat, the constantly fighting cats...well, it's feeling pretty overwhelming. And to tell the truth, I've taken to sitting on my duff. Part of this is the plain fact that I am absolutely exhausted. I am sure part of my exhaustion is simply from the fact that I am adjusting to an 8-5 job and 1.5 hour total commute every day. But there's another part to exhaustion that I think people often overlook, and that is emotional exhaustion. This plays a large role in our overall feeling of physical exhaustion.

The other day I was observing a colleague conduct a group session, and he was talking about total behavior, which is a part of reality therapy. The concept of total behavior says that our actions are not just how we behave but is also composed of our feelings, our thoughts, and our physiology. No behaviors happen without our feelings, thoughts, and physiology working in concert.

So my feelings ...well, I've already talked about them some. My thoughts, what I tell myself, have been very negative. I won't get into it here, but I've been pretty down on myself...My physiology: I'M DANG TIRED! And my actions: sitting on my duff.

So after this last week of getting ridiculously angry at my cat (I mean, really, she's my cat but she's an ANIMAL), working out only one day this week, and barricading myself in the house all weekend (John was gone), I've decided that, although I feel sad, overwhelmed, lonely and fat; although I think I'll never make friends, I'll never make a life for myself, that this will not just work out; although my body is tried, I will change my actions. And hopefully by changing my actions alone, my feelings and thoughts and physiology will follow. Sometimes that's just where you have to start. People can't change their feelings; they don't have too much control over their physiology; their thoughts they can change, but sometimes the thought pattern is so strong that we have to jump to changing our actions, and our thoughts will follow.

So this is my plan to get myself out of the dumps.
1. I will remind myself that IT TAKES TIMES and a whole hell of a lot of it to build a life. When I moved back to Reno, it took probably a good 2-3 years to finally feel HAPPY.
2. I will go to the gym four - five days a week, preferably during the work week. Just get it done and over with.
3. I will eat regularly schedule meals instead of just noshing on whatever.
4. I will research ways to volunteer or get involved in the community.

That's good enough for now. No need to go too crazy and overwhelm myself even more with a super long list. We'll see how this goes, and I'll be sure to report on my "experiment" of manipulating my actions to change my thoughts, feelings, and physiology.

Still now word about the job that I was supposedly getting an official offer from this week. Becoming very frustrated. On Monday I am going to start looking for other jobs. I probably shouldn't have put all my eggs in one basket, but it is what it is. So I continue to be bored silly here at home. I should probably try to venture out some afternoon instead of staying cooped up all day in the house. Get out of my head some.

Today I woke up with a sore throat and a pounding headache. Grr. I've been sick a lot this year, no doubt because of all of the stress from completing my thesis, graduating, moving, etc. Good stress but stress nonetheless. Diet has been right on. I've been really disciplined this week. Okkk, except for the two slices of pizza. I found a new treat that I like. It's fat free, sugar free chocolate pudding, and I add in chocolate protein powder. I'm sure my trainer would say it is a no-no, since I'm sure it's mostly chemicals. Ah, well. It tastes yummy and awfully chocolatey! :-)

I'm supposed to get the official job offer this week. We'll see. That would be nice to go back to work. Ok, well maybe not back to work but to make a real income. If I get this job, I will be under supervision to become a licensed alcohol and drug counselor. I'll be running groups, doing individual therapy. Makes me nervous. And of course my ever present worry is there: what if I don't know what to do or say? I'm sure I'm not the only beginning counselor worried about this.

So the last few days I haven't been up too much. It's pretty boring, actually, but I am enjoying the time off. Reading, napping, watching tv. Working out from time to time. Can't complain too much. :-)

Contest prep begins!

Yesterday was the first day of contest prep! As of this Saturday, I have 13 weeks before my show, which means that from now until the show, I have to be very strict with my diet. I hate this part. I *love* food. When I say "diet," I mean mostly that I have to eat clean, not that I'm restricting caloric intake. That part will come, but not right now.

I took progress pics last night, and the pics definitely gave me motivation to keep my diet on track. I want to be stricter with my diet than I was when I was prepping for the photo shoot. I also really need to work on my hams/glutes and shoulders, so I am adding in a few extra exercises per week for those muscle groups. We'll see how it goes!

Slacker...

Yeah, I know, that's me. I've been lacking on the blog front. Things have just been so crazy between packing and graduating and moving. I was feeling very overwhelmed about everything. It was just like I told a good friend how it would be: I would graduate, and then wake up in Oklahoma not realizing what just happened. The changes did not hit me until Tuesday, which was my second full day here. I began to really miss my friends and family and wondered what the hell I was thinking, moving here. But that rough patch is over, and I am feeling better, more like me at any rate. I've basically been walking around feeling pretty numb and immune but am starting to feel more hopeful.

This town of 35,000 is nothing to tell momma about. It's a small town. It feels that way. I can drive anywhere in about five minutes. In fact, my gym is only two miles away, and today I ran to the gym, worked out, and ran home. I'm none too thrilled about being here, but I can suck it up. I'll be happy if I can find a job in Tulsa. That way, I can work in a city, and come home to a small town.

The kitties are still not getting along very well. John has two cats, and I have one. My kitty is very fiesty, and she came in hissing and growling at the other two. Well, John's male cat, who is a very large cat, did not take a liking to that and now hisses at my cat. She's scared of him. There has been some progress, but it is slow. Right now, when I leave the house, I lock Lola in the office just to keep all the kitties happy and safe.

I'm so glad it's the weekend! I've been pretty lonely here during the day, so it will be really nice to have John around. We are going to the Tulsa farmer's market tomorrow morning. It's HUGE! I would rather buy groceries there and support local farmers than supporting a grocery store.

After my big fuss about wedding gowns, I went back to Davids and bought the dress there. My parents chipped in quite a bit, which I was very grateful for. Here is a link to the dress. It has a super long train, which I will either chop off or bustle. I am glad that is done. No more stress about it.

I also got a call from Family and Children Services of Tulsa, which has a couple job openings that I am very interested in. Today I got a voice mail from a woman there saying that my references came back, and everything looks good. Apparently they want to hire me because she asked me when I can start and asked me to apply for the OK State Board of Licensed Drug and Alcohol Counselors. Strange thing though is that I was not officially offered the job. We haven't talked money or benefits or negotiated. Tomorrow I am going to call the HR department of the company and ask them about the salary range for that position so I have *something* to negotiate with. I am also hesitant to put down $150 for the application fee for the board if I am not offered the job. I'll touch base with her tomorrow (after I talk to HR, ha!), and we'll see what happens from there.

Wedding hesitations

I said wedding hesitations, which is quite different from marriage hesitations. You can breathe again, John! ;-) Of all the things that I could write about (packing, celebrating, graduating, moving), I am going to talk about weddings and the ridiculous industry it is. I went to David's Bridal today to look around, and was almost immediately put off. I was greeted by two fairly young ladies (early 20s at the oldest) who took my information. They asked me about the groom's first name and then instead of asking for his last name (this is where I was put off) said, "And your future last name?" To which I curtly replied, "I'll be keeping my last name, but his is Appert. A-P-P-E-R-T." The first thing that bothered me was the assumption that I would just throw out my last name. I know it's tradition, but I am not a traditional girl. I'm the girl who has sported a hair style that was 3/4 an inch long and wore it proudly.

But beyond the obvious assumption was an underlying excitement--of romance, of sweet promises, and of happily every afters. And that bothered me too because we all know that that is not what marriage is about. It is about partnership, patience, persistence, and hard work.

I wanted to leave almost immediately, but I stayed and tried on, oh I don't know, 7 or 8 dresses? At least. There was one dress that I liked. The price, not so much. $500 for a dress that I'll wear once. My mom, who I got my financial sensibility from, stressed the importance of being able to wear the dress more than once. That dress, with a bustle in the back and lace and sequins all over, probably not wearable to other functions. And while I was there, the sales lady asked me twice about the colors of my wedding, whether I wanted to wear a veil, how I liked the shoes that were made exclusively for them.

And sometime during this afternoon, I became --disgusted?--with the wedding industry and the pressure to have a "proper" wedding. The invitations, the colors, the flowers, the location, the decor, the food, the booze, the DJ... In fact, I told one friend that we may not have a DJ and I think she was appalled. "Really?" she said. And where in all of those details is the marriage?

The track that we are on is for a wedding that is anywhere from $10,000 to $12,000. With that money, I could pay off a 1/3 of my graduate school debt, travel the world once over, buy a new-to-me car, feed many hungry families or one family for a very long time. In fact, were I to still live in the area, I would bake all the cupcakes myself. I wanted a small, intimate wedding--getting married at sunrise on a beach at Tahoe or a dock at Donner with a meal shared together with only family and our closest friends afterward--but now it seems to have become something else entirely.

Wedding planning!

I think I found my dress today! I say I think because I just started shopping, and I want to hit up David's Bridal at least before I decide. I want a straight dress, which is more form fitting, and a Grecian style. This dress is gorgeous. I wish I had taken note of the brand so I could post a pic of it up here. AND it's reasonably priced. So if I don't find anything at David's that I like just as much or more, then I am definitely going back to Marchele's to buy it.

I also went cake tasting today and was VERY disappointed. I went to Josef's here in town, and tried cupcakes. For whatever reason, their cupcakes are NOT as good as their cakes. I LOVE their cakes, but they have a long ways to go with improving their cupcakes. So, I will be sticking to Batch Cupcakery, which is the first place I tried.

So, basically, I have this thing all planned. I know it's only been about two weeks, but I already know what decorations, the venue (which John and I will tour next Friday--I'm fairly certain we're going to stick with it. It's in Genoa, which is gorgeous, and the best part is that there is NO rental fee if we meet a minimum on food and beverage.), the dress, the florist... The DJ we are not sure about yet. So if we wanted to, we could get married next week! bwahaha! ok, not so much. I wanted to know which vendors and the venue before I leave for Tulsa next week. I think I accomplished that much at least.

The photos you see are photos of my inspiration. It's important to me to somehow incorporate elements of my Chinese heritage into the wedding. Originally I thought I wanted to do this by using red, which is a celebratory color. But I am leaning more toward different shades of pink as the color (sorry John! That means you get to wear pink, too, hahahahaa!) and incorporating things like parasols, Asian favors, etc... What I would love to have are Chinese dragon and lion dancers, but Reno is a small town... No such thing here, unfortunately. But just think of how much fun that would be!

The world of figure competitions

Today was my first earnest attempt to get back into the swing of things at the gym and with my diet. I did a photo shoot about a month ago, and since then, I have not been following a diet much, and the last two weeks, between defending my thesis and getting engaged and packing, I've been slacking at the gym. Well today I went to the gym and attempted to do 1/10 mile sprints at 6 min/mile with 1/10 mile rest between sprints. It about nearly killed me. About two months ago, I was doing a mile at 6 min/mile. Sooo, I stopped when I thought I might hurl, which was after 15 minutes. It'll get back up there. I am about 16 weeks out from my first competition. That being said, I have been at this point several other times, thinking I was so many weeks out from a competition, and due to different reasons, have dropped.

So what am I talking about when I say competing? Basically I am training hard in the gym to achieve a certain look, then get on stage in a shiny custom-made bikini with my hair and makeup did. There are several "looks." There is bodybuilding, which I am sure many of you are aware of. Then there is bikini which is just that. I'm sure you all know what a bikini contest looks like. Same shiny bikini but add a themed sportswear round, like a pirate or sports fan or... you name it. The outfit usually shows off the tummy and shoulders and requires booty shoots.

Then there is fitness, which includes a routine round that is about two minutes long. These girls are nuts. Choreography includes such moves as one-armed push ups, presses, handstands, crazy balancing poses. There is also a bikini round This is what I really want to do but have not yet gotten around to it due to financial reasons. Choreography is expensive, as are the costumes. Here is a link to one of my favorite fitness routines. This is Shana Martin... Not all routines include crazy tumbling skills... but this will give you a flavor of what fitness is all about.

Finally, there is figure, which I mentioned earlier is a cross between bikini and bodybuilding. Not as muscular as bodybuilders but more so than bikini girls. Focus is on symmetry and conditioning while maintaining femininity (unlike bodybuilding). Here are some examples of figure. The picture on the left is Ingrid Roldan, who is Figure America champion.
This is not a picture of her competition ready, but it gives you an idea of the type of look that Figure America goes after.

And on the right is a pic of Gina Allioti. She won the IFBB Arnold Classic last year. Her body is amazing, but probably a little more conditioned than I would like. I say that, but I would be happy if I look like that. So what it entails to get in shape like that is, well, years of consistent lifting. A lot of it is also about eating clean and the diet. Actually it is mostly about eating clean and lean. 10% genetics, 10% training, and 80% diet. People usually start really cleaning it up anywhere from 12 - 16 weeks out, although in theory eating clean should be year round, even in the off season. I know Gina's trainer requires lots of cardio even in the off season as well as a strict diet in the off season.

There are different approaches, though. I know for a fact that Gina's trainer/nutritionist requires a lot of supplements like fat burners and glutamine, BCAAs, etc. To me this is scary because the FDA finds a lot of these supplements to be unsafe, particularly the fat burners. Just recently the FDA recalled Hydroxicut, which is a fat burner. The lady I train with is all natural. Our only supplements are a multivitamin and protein powder. Even the protein powder is very limited.

At any rate, it is time for me to get my bum in gear, especially since I want to do figure and not bikini. Figure requires a stricter diet... I'm definitely feeling up for it now that things in my life are falling into place. My new Ipod helps as well. I bought a nano to replace my shuffle that was stolen. Music makes a HUGE difference in my motivation to get to the gym!

My first blog! I'm very excited about this because it's something that I've been thinking about for a while. I have a blog on bodyspace.bodybuilding.com and one on cathysavagefitness.com. I've been wanting to consolidate my ramblings and expand them at the same time. The other two are geared toward fitness only. Now I can talk about whatever I want! Just a little more about me. As my profile says, I am finishing up my master's degree in social work. In addition to mental health, I am also passionate about fitness. I was a long distance runner for many years, but gave that up over a year ago due to overuse injuries. So now I just love lifting, and my goal this year is to get on stage to compete in figure, which is somewhere between bikini and bodybuilding. My target show date is August 29. Two weeks from today, I will be spending my first night in Oklahoma! My (new!) fiance was transferred there. So of course, when he first told me about this, I kicked and screamed and said, hell no, I won't go, but now look at me... moving there. He's completely worth it, though, and I actually think Oklahoma will be a better place for me professionally than where I am now. So, new adventures on the horizon. And now, I have to go back to my room and face the mess. Packing is awful...