Last Thursday I went home sick. Actually, I began to feel sick that Wednesday, and tried to make it through the day on Thursday, but couldn't hold off anymore. I don't know if I had the stomach flu or if I ate something that did not quite agree with me. At any rate, I went home with a very sick stomach and stayed home on Friday, too. I was feeling well enough by Friday afternoon to run some errands, but was back in bed Friday night feeling unwell. Today is the first day since Wednesday that my stomach has not hurt and I have not had to run to the bathroom. So, training last week did not happen. At all. Training and the diet start again tomorrow morning. Veggies and lean protein were not what my queasy stomach could handle, so I stayed away from them.
I bought myself a desk and matching chair. Finally, I will have my own space from which to create and simply to store my things! It should be coming soon. Maybe even this week! I also ordered the book Book in a Month, or something like that. Now I just have to get my laptop fixed, and I should be ready to go!
That's about it for now. This weekend was pretty uneventful. Not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Sometimes I get a thought when I'm feeling one way or the other and run with it because of that feeling. Ok, well, most of the time I do that, so I usually let things just marinate for a while. And I've been marinating on the idea of giving up therapy as a career, and it still feels right. Social work and therapy were my backup plans, and I need to continue treating it like that. Dreams first. Backup plans second. That's the correct order.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Need a New Job
I'm done with counseling. Done with it. I've finally given myself permission to feel that way. I've been stuffing it for long enough. I dread every session. Every hour, I look at my schedule and think, "Oh, so and so's coming in; Oh, what am I going to do with this person? Oh, I just don't know what to do with this person anymore." I dread facilitating groups even more. The group dynamics, dealing with the one negative, domineering person in every group. Lately I've been wondering if I am the one negative, domineering person in every group.
And now as I bash on the profession and become frustrated with clients, I find myself resorting to the break up cliche that holds true even for this moment: "It's not you. It's me." I'm an introvert. And a very, very strong one at that! I also don't particularly enjoy sugar coating the truth, which it seems I do more often than not. The growing stack of papers on my desk is indicative of the job responsibilities that seem to also increase daily. The paperwork. The treatment plans. The notes. The phone calls to return. The emails to write. The papers to fax. I am a professional paper pusher.
I don't think I am alone in how I feel or that the agency I work for is unique in any way. I think this is simply the state of mental health agencies. It's not about quality care or expanding my knowledge base so I can help my clients, or even about the clients themselves, sadly. It's about the bottom line. It's about billing down contracts and completing notes in 24 hours and meeting productivity and stopping treatment until a therapist can write a Medicaid treatment plan so that the agency can be reimbursed for a service. All of which, I might add, I have managed very successfully. This is more than about some disgruntled worker who cannot meet the demands. I am not that person. I exceed those expectations. Community mental health is not about the community or about mental health. It's about money and burnout and frustration, and I am done with it.
And now as I bash on the profession and become frustrated with clients, I find myself resorting to the break up cliche that holds true even for this moment: "It's not you. It's me." I'm an introvert. And a very, very strong one at that! I also don't particularly enjoy sugar coating the truth, which it seems I do more often than not. The growing stack of papers on my desk is indicative of the job responsibilities that seem to also increase daily. The paperwork. The treatment plans. The notes. The phone calls to return. The emails to write. The papers to fax. I am a professional paper pusher.
I don't think I am alone in how I feel or that the agency I work for is unique in any way. I think this is simply the state of mental health agencies. It's not about quality care or expanding my knowledge base so I can help my clients, or even about the clients themselves, sadly. It's about the bottom line. It's about billing down contracts and completing notes in 24 hours and meeting productivity and stopping treatment until a therapist can write a Medicaid treatment plan so that the agency can be reimbursed for a service. All of which, I might add, I have managed very successfully. This is more than about some disgruntled worker who cannot meet the demands. I am not that person. I exceed those expectations. Community mental health is not about the community or about mental health. It's about money and burnout and frustration, and I am done with it.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Calves going buck wild!
When I was driving home today, I saw a calf no bigger than a medium sized dog run in a circle and buck. It was so cute! I wanted to stop the car, climb over the fence, and pet it! Maybe bring it home, too! :-) The baby just warmed my heart.
That calf was the highlight of my day. Today was a rest day. My back and shoulders are sore today, and this week, I start on another 2 week phase. I'll be lifting HEAVY (3x3-5) then one set of 25 reps to burn it out. Abs four days per week, and cardio 4 days per week as well. I might still do 5 days of cardio. I've modified the diet and cardio. I'm adding in at least one starch per day in the morning. This morning it was oatmeal with egg whites and fruit for breakfast. Yesterday was 1/2 of a bagel with a handful of spinach and chopped chicken on top. And I am going back to my regular cardio routine of running and some elliptical. With intervals of course. That's the key to an effective cardio workout!
I'm really getting excited about the life coach. I made a list of short term goals that I want to accomplish.
1. Revamp my writing portfolio and include work from my graduate career in portfolio.
2. Write a resume targeted toward writing jobs
3. Find out more about how to freelance for the local paper and weekly publication
4. Write a first draft of a novel by July 31.
5. Make a space for myself to write.
It's number 4 that I'm most worried about. I plan to buy the book Book in a Month, and follow the guidelines. Well, I'm giving myself about 3 months, and some of this is because I need to get my space in order. I have no desk at home, and my laptop is broken. I'll fix those, and then get going on the book after that. That should be a good start and will give something for my life coach to help me with. I also need to write clear fitness goals; I'm just not sure what those are yet. Oh! And I DID lose weight this week--1 lb! That makes my weight loss a total of 3 pounds in about 2 weeks! :-)
That calf was the highlight of my day. Today was a rest day. My back and shoulders are sore today, and this week, I start on another 2 week phase. I'll be lifting HEAVY (3x3-5) then one set of 25 reps to burn it out. Abs four days per week, and cardio 4 days per week as well. I might still do 5 days of cardio. I've modified the diet and cardio. I'm adding in at least one starch per day in the morning. This morning it was oatmeal with egg whites and fruit for breakfast. Yesterday was 1/2 of a bagel with a handful of spinach and chopped chicken on top. And I am going back to my regular cardio routine of running and some elliptical. With intervals of course. That's the key to an effective cardio workout!
I'm really getting excited about the life coach. I made a list of short term goals that I want to accomplish.
1. Revamp my writing portfolio and include work from my graduate career in portfolio.
2. Write a resume targeted toward writing jobs
3. Find out more about how to freelance for the local paper and weekly publication
4. Write a first draft of a novel by July 31.
5. Make a space for myself to write.
It's number 4 that I'm most worried about. I plan to buy the book Book in a Month, and follow the guidelines. Well, I'm giving myself about 3 months, and some of this is because I need to get my space in order. I have no desk at home, and my laptop is broken. I'll fix those, and then get going on the book after that. That should be a good start and will give something for my life coach to help me with. I also need to write clear fitness goals; I'm just not sure what those are yet. Oh! And I DID lose weight this week--1 lb! That makes my weight loss a total of 3 pounds in about 2 weeks! :-)
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Slacking
I've been slacking on the posts. I wish I had a great excuse but unfortunately not. Which in some ways is typical me. Starting off with a bang and then...nothing. But, I'm back. Am going to finish up the last workout of this week today. I have been doing all the workouts. And there have been days (like yesterday) where I just didn't feel like getting up and going to the gym and in fact even procrastinated on it so much that when I finally did go, it was 7 PM, and I stayed at the gym till 9 PM. But, at least there's not much I'm missing out on on Saturday night.
The diet has not been that great this week. I cheated three days, and with little things. On Thursday I had a piece of bread, or at least it started out that way. Which led inevitably to other indulgences later on that day until I had three pieces of chocolate and ice cream. The ice cream was not a little indulgence. I had terrible cravings this week, and I think it was most likely due to that TOM!! This is my first period in two months, so I think my symptoms were especially worse this month. The day I finally got my period, the low mood I'd experienced for the last couple of weeks lifted. Just like that. And I was wondering whether or not I should tell my psychiatrist to adjust my meds. My mood was that bad for two, almost three weeks.
Unsurprisingly, I lost no weight this week, even though I completed all of my workouts and generally ate better than I did a month ago. I'm not too worried about it, though. Not sure I've earned my reward for discipline. I know I haven't.
This week I decided to get a life coach. I need a kick in the rear when it comes to reaching my goals, whether it's losing weight or writing. I found one through the ICF website. It's the only agency that certifies life coaches. Not that a life coach has to be certified, but I figured that a certification would help to ensure that the coach I choose has at least some minimum qualifications. I have some paperwork to send back to her, plus a payment. I question whether or not I'm ready to make the changes, but it's a good place to start. Time to stop slacking!
The diet has not been that great this week. I cheated three days, and with little things. On Thursday I had a piece of bread, or at least it started out that way. Which led inevitably to other indulgences later on that day until I had three pieces of chocolate and ice cream. The ice cream was not a little indulgence. I had terrible cravings this week, and I think it was most likely due to that TOM!! This is my first period in two months, so I think my symptoms were especially worse this month. The day I finally got my period, the low mood I'd experienced for the last couple of weeks lifted. Just like that. And I was wondering whether or not I should tell my psychiatrist to adjust my meds. My mood was that bad for two, almost three weeks.
Unsurprisingly, I lost no weight this week, even though I completed all of my workouts and generally ate better than I did a month ago. I'm not too worried about it, though. Not sure I've earned my reward for discipline. I know I haven't.
This week I decided to get a life coach. I need a kick in the rear when it comes to reaching my goals, whether it's losing weight or writing. I found one through the ICF website. It's the only agency that certifies life coaches. Not that a life coach has to be certified, but I figured that a certification would help to ensure that the coach I choose has at least some minimum qualifications. I have some paperwork to send back to her, plus a payment. I question whether or not I'm ready to make the changes, but it's a good place to start. Time to stop slacking!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Blah day
Workout: Check. Lifting more weight on some exercises this week.
Meals: Check. Followed the plan! And tomorrow is high calories and a starch day!
Mood: Ok. Depressed a little.
Energy: Tired. Very tired even after sleeping 8 hours last night. See mood for possible explanation on tiredness.
I checked in with my coach today. He said he couldn't tell me I did a good job my first week because I ate pasta at night. (Sigh). He has a point. He's the first coach I've had who's very honest! Or blunt. Which I appreciate. No pasta this week. And he recommends a cheat meal once every 4 or 5 weeks, not every week. (Sigh). I am looking forward to turkey bacon and a bagel tomorrow, though.
Meals: Check. Followed the plan! And tomorrow is high calories and a starch day!
Mood: Ok. Depressed a little.
Energy: Tired. Very tired even after sleeping 8 hours last night. See mood for possible explanation on tiredness.
I checked in with my coach today. He said he couldn't tell me I did a good job my first week because I ate pasta at night. (Sigh). He has a point. He's the first coach I've had who's very honest! Or blunt. Which I appreciate. No pasta this week. And he recommends a cheat meal once every 4 or 5 weeks, not every week. (Sigh). I am looking forward to turkey bacon and a bagel tomorrow, though.
Monday, April 5, 2010
First Week Over!
I forgot to post over the last couple days. Complete forgot until I was already in bed. And I sure as hell wasn't going to get up to type out a few sentences!
Saturday I went out to sushi with a friend, so that was the first time I had starches in several days. It was delicious! Then Saturday night my husband and I got Italian, which was also delicious! I managed to get in my last weight workout on Saturday and then a running workout on Sunday. And that wrapped up my first week. I've lost about 2 pounds or so this last week. I'm hungry again today. All those carbs on Saturday didn't last me very long!
Today is a rest day, which I'm grateful for. My back is sore. My legs are tired. Mood is still the same. Energy seems to be a little better, but that could be because I slept a LOT this weekend. I think driving 6 hours between Thursday and Friday really wore me out. During week 2, I get a high carb day every third day. And of course I get a cheat meal. I'm not sure whether or not that's part of the plan, but I added it in. :-)
Work continues to be challenging. The client I nearly yelled at last week has asked for another therapist. I would be more than happy. But, what he is upset about, I think, is that I held him accountable, which I don't think he is accustomed to. I came to the realization today that the only way I'm going to get out of this line of work is if I just get off my rear and actually start writing. And that would mean before work and after work, too.
As I was copying the curriculum for group tonight, I reminded myself that the only reason I did the MSW program was because the journalism program had undergone a complete overhaul so that the only way I could enroll in that program was to be an established journalist. Which I wasn't. And how I justified applying to the MSW program was by saying that I would have something to fall back on, and I would be an "expert" (more or less) in a field so that I would have more material to write about. Well, here I am. I've arrived. Except I haven't.
Saturday I went out to sushi with a friend, so that was the first time I had starches in several days. It was delicious! Then Saturday night my husband and I got Italian, which was also delicious! I managed to get in my last weight workout on Saturday and then a running workout on Sunday. And that wrapped up my first week. I've lost about 2 pounds or so this last week. I'm hungry again today. All those carbs on Saturday didn't last me very long!
Today is a rest day, which I'm grateful for. My back is sore. My legs are tired. Mood is still the same. Energy seems to be a little better, but that could be because I slept a LOT this weekend. I think driving 6 hours between Thursday and Friday really wore me out. During week 2, I get a high carb day every third day. And of course I get a cheat meal. I'm not sure whether or not that's part of the plan, but I added it in. :-)
Work continues to be challenging. The client I nearly yelled at last week has asked for another therapist. I would be more than happy. But, what he is upset about, I think, is that I held him accountable, which I don't think he is accustomed to. I came to the realization today that the only way I'm going to get out of this line of work is if I just get off my rear and actually start writing. And that would mean before work and after work, too.
As I was copying the curriculum for group tonight, I reminded myself that the only reason I did the MSW program was because the journalism program had undergone a complete overhaul so that the only way I could enroll in that program was to be an established journalist. Which I wasn't. And how I justified applying to the MSW program was by saying that I would have something to fall back on, and I would be an "expert" (more or less) in a field so that I would have more material to write about. Well, here I am. I've arrived. Except I haven't.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Home!
I'm really exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night, which is typical for me when I travel. My mind races at night when I don't have much down time, which was true of yesterday. But, I still got up this morning and got in an hour of weights and abs and then 20 minutes of HIIT. I'm pretty bored at home. Tired of watching TV and too tired to do any picking up. Maybe it's just time to go to bed.
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